I have daily doubts about the direction I am headed and that is only proper. Anyone who does not have doubts is dead. My faith is constantly being tested and often I fail miserably. But something in me is resolute in its intention to serve something higher. This happens when I sit here and type.

I have no way of knowing who I will reach or what any reader may be looking for. So I start with honesty about my own condition. Even though I may be reassured on occasion, I still look for signs that I have not gone completely off the rails of my original intentions to wake up.

Saturday and Sunday seem endless. Today I will putter around the house and take a walk. Cook a simple meal and meditate. Watch TV and go to bed early. Nothing spiritual about that.

I feel I should be doing more. But doing is not the answer. Letting go is the answer. Letting go of my deep desire to make progress. Progress is not in my hands, thank God. If it were, I would be free of anxiety and desire. I would be who I would like to be. But that is not how God works. His ways are infinitely more secret than that. Nothing adds up in His world.

Out of my own mind, I enter His. Out of my own plans, I am in His Hands. Out of this world, I am in the higher world.

The higher world will always be a mystery for anything solved becomes organized and static. All anyone can do is witness their own lack of spiritual success. Watch themselves crying out to God. Watch themselves waiting for the miracle, as Leonard Cohen says. It will come. It will come.

Vicki Woodyard