At the end we almost hated each other. There had been six or seven years of his feeling bad. He was only diagnosed with cancer the last four and a half of those years. So he was bled out physically and me emotionally. We were running on empty.
We did the best we could. It took daily struggle for him to do the simplest things, so I was left with doing both my work and his. He didn’t get emotional; I got overly so. The masculine and the feminine energies went haywire. He had to learn to lean on me. I had to learn to be stronger than I was meant to be.
I have spoken of the green notebook elsewhere. He had a lovely green notebook and I suggested he keep a diary. One day I looked into it. He had written some nasty things about me. I was irate, incensed. After all, I was going to the mat for him. This is what you come to in a crisis that lasts for years. He did everything methodically. The notebook had small lines and he filled them with negativity. Ironically, that is what I hoped he would do. Get it off his chest. I just didn’t know I was his albatross.
Love digs deep, puts down roots. I write from love about love. This is the outcome of two people being decimated and becoming nothing under each other’s noses. He lies sleeping. I walk on. Funny how life is different than we imagine it. These notes I write offer solace to people. His gift to me. Tears water the roots of my words. This is how it should be.
Vicki Woodyard
I admire your honesty. Only another with years of caregiving under their belt, can truly understand your fatigue.my sister seemed to believe I never did enough for our mother and vice versa with mom. I could never say no to either of them, and my life was not my own. The love is still there, it’s the reason we continue, even when we are running on empty. I’m determined to never put my kids thru anything similar.
Honesty turns into self-forgiveness. At least I hope so. The love is hidden under a pile of duty. It is the same for us all if we are tried in the fire long enough. These days I do almost nothing, Gloria. It seems time for that.
So beautiful that finally, only Love remains.
Namaste.
Thank you for these words, Vicki. I needed to hear them and found them helpful and comforting in knowing that I was not alone in my actions/reactions to a similar situation. Since Love is all there is, then love always!