A Mother's Heart

Writing this on Mother’s Day Eve. I have a wonderful son who knows deeply the courage it has taken me to go on. Today the decorator came out and arranged the new chairs and lamps I have gotten. She also rearranged my bookcases for me and put her lovely touch on my fireplaces. My son knows I don’t spoil myself very often, so he is happy for me indeed.

I told him that I don’t need a thing for Mother’s Day but I would love for him to drive me to a garden party that a fellow writer is giving next Sunday. I don’t drive much except around my own familiar paths to grocery, mall, doctor and dentist. Bob used to take me places I couldn’t drive to and now that falls to my son. I try not to ask him to do things that I can do myself.

We live a simple life in the old house of thirty-one years. I have watched the kids next door grow up and the boy is getting married this fall. I take daily walks through the familiar streets. Tonight I introduced myself to a new neighbor who was putting her touch on some old rosebushes. “I’m Vicki,” I said. “I’m Yvonne, nice to meet you.” And I continued on my walk, stopping to pet a Heinz 57 mutt on a leash.

In the same way, we meet together online,  shaking hands and telling simple things about ourselves. I like that. No fancy introductions needed. LIFE WITH A HOLE IN IT sits on my coffee table with a handmade cross on top of it. Until I wrote that, I was mired in grief. Now the little book is out there in the world as well as in my heart. I have a feeling that those of you who have ordered and read it feel as if you know me beyond hello. I hope so.

My writing arises from a place of devastation. Out of that has arisen my voice, my healing and my present peace. One day perhaps you will know what I am talking about when I speak of a place of devastation. The richness of the dark and crumbled soil has grown a life of its own. It is that I share with you.

Bits and Pieces

“I did not trust it for a moment,  but I drank it anyway, the wine of my own poetry. It gave me the daring to take hold of the darkness and tear it down and cut it into little pieces.”

~Lad Ded quoted by Alan Larus

My writing arises from within. No monitoring of content. Whatever happens is not of my own doing. I wish I could see that clearly in other areas of my life. When I think I have failed and want to blame myself. When I feel unloved and want to draw love to me. Oh, yes, that is the way of the ego.

But when I write, I do cut the darkness into manageable bits and pieces. Otherwise the terror would overwhelm me. I wake up, having dreamt of Bob not being dead yet. I am angry with him for leaving me or I am jealous of another woman (death, perhaps?)

I murmur the Jesus prayer, “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy,” over and over. I surround myself with white light, for I do not have these dreams consciously.

My mental scissors go to work and I have the scraps laid out on the table to form an essay. “Laurie,” I say to my little girl in the hospital, “You are going to be with Jesus soon.” (I had been advised by her Sunday school teacher to prepare her for her death.) She looked at me in full silence, not happy with this bit of ironic good news. She died and I was left bereft. An unread newsletter.

Bob is dying and I am so tired, so weary of his long, slow departure that I begin numbing myself, constructing a wall of “No more, no more.” He looks at me with disgust, as if I had turned traitor on him. Not on him, on what was being asked of me. “Help him live until he dies and then pick yourself up and dust yourself off.” I did. He would be happy to know that. I am strong in the  midst of my neurosis.

I go for eight years without seeing my mother, who is in a nursing home in Pennsylvania. I see her once in that period. Eight months later she is dead of lung cancer. She never knew she had it. But she had a full life, almost eighty-eight years of it. I am glad I saw her before she left. And I go on.

My life is made of bits and pieces of darkness through which I see the light. You can feel the silence around the edges of my mosaic. I know you can.

More in my book,

http://www.amazon.com/LIFE-HOLE-Thats-Wisdom-Awakened/dp/1609102770/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1297273020&sr=8-1