Quiescent

Quiescent, that is a word I never use. But I was thinking of my power and how I am unable to access it directly. Oh, it’s there all right. When I met Shelley Smith, she told me how powerful I was and I was shocked. Perhaps that was the first time another person had openly told me.

Bob and I visited the late Andy Lake at a shop here many years ago. He was drawing everyone’s aura. He asked us to touch his ankle with ours to get some contact. When he touched mine, he said, “Yours is different.” I asked “How so?” and he said one word, “Power.”

Shelley continued to remind me of my power and the last time was when she said she couldn’t bear my power coming through the phone.

So what is quiescent about my power? Like everyone, anything I use for my own good destroys me. My power is not for me, not at all. It only comes through, it would seem, for people that are good at reading energy fields.

I am a very anxious person. I was born striving to be dutiful and good. Ultimately I realized that the very striving wipes out the quality you want to achieve. The ego is all wrong and we know something is rotten in the state of our own personal Denmark.

So here I sit, powerful and anxious. I do not feel powerful. I quail at the thought of being in the public eye. The public eye both rewards and punishes. As Vernon Howard said, “The brickbats and the bouquets are exactly even.”

I am not afraid to write about Vernon or to say that I am thoroughly through with advaita-speak. He couldn’t countenance frilly or complicated language. Neither can I.

Yes, we all know that we are all the Self, the One, the Consciousness that runs the universe. But woe be unto us if we try! God has a funny bone. He gave me power and anxiety and I am smart enough to sit here pecking away with due humility and profound awe.

My flaws are so full of duty that they make me sick. If I could have one day without duty, I would sit on a pillow and hurl rotten tomatoes at my perfect house. It doesn’t care. And neither would I. I have to go now and buy groceries. I am that human and that hungry. By the way, don’t ask me to prove how powerful I am. You don’t want me to sit you in the corner. Giggle.