The Stench of the Trench

I am appallingly exhausted. Been in the physical, mental and emotional trenches for weeks now. Devoid of anything I can get a hold of, so this is a time for me to let go. To give a damn about myself before others.

To stop playing second-string in the world of online spirituality. There is something above the game of enlightenment.

I know what the others know and I am sick of deferring to them. I am on my own.

This is not bitterness but the end of seeking approval from people that disrespect me in the first place.

There will be no more notes from me until the clouds break and I understand how badly I mistreat myself. Thousands of essays under the bridge.

I may or may not come back. There is more to life than being online dishing out my vital energies to people that are mind-surfing in hopes of “getting it.” I got it a long time ago. I just forgot where I put it.

I have no ill-will as I say this. I just have the beginning spark of self-respect. Thanks to a good friend who is walking through this with me.

This illness was no accident. If I don’t return, I may have to learn how to stay in silence until the dawn arises within.

“Abandon your masterpiece. Sink into the real Masterpiece.” ~ Leonard Cohen

There comes a time when you are enough just as you are, in your wretchedness and poverty. Not in your joy but in your fierce surrender to the impossible.

Vicki Woodyard


  1. And then there’s also, of course, “Forget your perfect offering.”

    Do what you need to do, Vicki. Stop doing what doesn’t work for you.
    I like reading what you write. I value it because I think you do know. But
    I’m for you, and if you need to not do it right now, if it lowers your energy rather than raises it, then don’t. I say that as support, and as recognition of the importance of this stormy sea change that seems to be happening.
    (Also, I kinda like this, ‘Don’t mess with me,’ side of you. I never knew Vernon Howard except through you, but it feels like him.)


  2. Your beautiful words are always a reminder to know that I don’t know anything. And perhaps there is no need to know anything. Do what you need for you, Vicki.


  3. Do whatever is necessary for you, Vicki. You know you have friends out here who care and will be checking in with you by email to say hello. This is definitely the time for surrender because your body isn’t letting you do anything else. I agree with everything Sandra said. It seems that you are extremely disappointed about online dialogues so this would be a great time to step back from them all. Just take care of YOURself. Love you.


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