Rob’s birthday has passed and this morning it is still gray and will be for most of the week. We have decided to fly to Pennsylvania to visit my sister the first week in November. Already I am thinking of what has to be done before then. I haven’t flown in 4 years, believe it or not.

I so love my quiet life; the downside of that is that the noise of a trip feels threatening to me. The airport is under construction and parking will be harder. Maybe it is time to use Uber or Lyft to get us to the airport and back. I begin making a mental list of things to do before we go.

But before that, I sat with my cup of morning chai and gave thanks for my life, asking forgiveness for the many ways in which I fail daily. I circle myself with white light. I breathe deeply. I feel grateful for the silence which in many ways has been forced upon me. I feel it is a karmic gift, too. Paradox rules us all.

All of this online spirituality feels very useless to me. There is no God inside of Facebook watching us give our lives away to trivia. Okay, then, where is God but everywhere? So maybe He is on Facebook. If so, I prefer Facebook Jesus because he is damned funny. Always asking people to bring “up” things like extra hangers or a tube of Superglue.

That is real life, after all. In real life, things break and so do people. I have never broken totally, but it sure feels like I have. This undercurrent of despair somehow pushes me downstream where grace resides. For God knows how alone I feel. “If anyone feels the need of grace, it is Vicki.” And He pushes me past the next group of rocks and I sigh with relief.

I make everything up; don’t believe anything I say. It feels real but it isn’t. Just like human life does. Something higher lies behind it, above it and around it. I shall stumble on….

Vicki Woodyard