A week or so ago, I dreamt that my body was being covered in milk. This milk was produced by my own breasts but could not be contained. I wondered what this meant. It seemed like a good omen, perhaps saying that I was my own supply at this point in my life.

This life, as furrowed as my brow, has been plowed and worked until now there is nothing left to seek outside. I have become a fruitful orchard, needing nothing but self-awareness. Ego made the furrows but soul was the faithful farmer.

Of course I have ongoing issues connected to the body-mind that is Vicki. Work on the house, work on me, the holidays will soon be bearing down like a hurricane. Yesterday a man came to give an estimate on repairing my deck, but he couldn’t do it until December. December, the month of Bob’s birth and death, the month that we married. I barely make it through the month, even after all these years.

So why am I left here except to carry out what I came in to do? I have no clear idea what it is; no one ever does. I know I am in free space now. I can do what I like. I find that to be a very hard task. I remember the story of the student that asked his guru what he wanted of him. The guru’s answer? “I just want you to be happy.”

And that is where I am. Wondering on a daily basis what actually has the power to make me happy. All I have to do is wonder and wait. What I do will lead to the answer.

Waiting is a good part of everyone’s life. I lack patience at times to wait and my impulses always carry me off course. And then I have to redirect the ship.

I hope you know what your own issues are, for they are the furrows that will carry the seeds of your redemption. Common ones are lack of self-love, anxiety, fear, doubt and despair. I should know. They are now coming into harvest. There is much work to do. Work done in solitude and self-awareness. Everything else is done for me.

Vicki Woodyard