Why not?

The question rattles around in my head. “What can we do when nothing can be done? When you are younger, you really believe in the old question/answer modality. Then at some point you understand too much to keep the shtick going.

The con, as Vernon Howard said, is always on. Turn on Dr. Oz and listen to the dribbler of medical advice he has degenerated into. Same thing happened to Dr. Phil. The almighty dollar took them over and now they are as plastic as our credit cards are.

The only thing worth doing is seeing. When I ran right smack into a shaman, it was game over. He saw right through me. I didn’t have to say a word. He knew my pain because it was universal. He knew the question/answer modality was on a lower level than the heart.

I had cataract surgery, as most of you know. Talk about forms to fill out! The older you get, the more medical history you generate. I got good care and the Recovery Room nurses were aces. They joked around and swathed us in warm sheets if we said it was getting too cold for comfort.

What about our emotional histories? They are worthless but we cling to them like they were meaningful. I have spent a lifetime coming to terms with the loss of a child and how it damaged the life of my son and I and my late husband. You would think the death of loved ones would become easier. It doesn’t.

I am restless and fed up. As Leonard Cohen sings in his last CD, “You Want It Darker,” ‘I’m angry and I’m tired all the time.’ Sho nuff, Leonard. Sho nuff. The only cure is to rise above the level of thinking there can ever be a cure.

I am not here to cure or console but to simply be who I am. And that constantly changes. Since there is no center to be found in an individual, who is there to turn to?

Emotions are felt. They pierce the bones. They rattle the nerves. They are devastatingly real and yet we are living in a dream state.

I am so honest it hurts. I know too much to deny there is not a problem. There is one, but nothing can be done about it. The greatest people in the world will let you down. They must. Don’t ask me why, though. “Why” is the whiniest game in town. Let’s just get through one day at a time. If more than one day at a time gangs up on you, get some throwing stars….or a box of chocolate ones. I made peanut butter fudge today and it turned to stone. I ate it anyway. Reminds me of the old song, “Found a peanut, found a peanut just now….” Just now is all we’ve got.

Vicki Woodyard

One Comment

  1. You are so right in saying “right now is all we have.” I really resonated with what you said about us clinging to our emotional histories. What a way to drag ourselves down, yet that seems to be how we identify ourselves. I’m with Leonard Cohen in feeling “tired and angry” all the time. But, it’s all part of the cycle and we will always be growing and moving forward as long as we stay in touch with that inner peace. But, it is so damn hard sometimes!


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