I woke up deeply rested around four a.m. Got up and had the usual bowl of oatmeal and a cup of chai. The dream rumblings will not be denied. Last night was the third night in a row that I dreamt of a dilemma I had. What was it? I had said I would take a small part in a play and now I was nervous about it. In this latest dream my mother was telling me to tell the author/director that I was not going to do it because I had agoraphobia.
I had agoraphobia as a teenager and have had social anxiety as well. These days I am well over it, but a larger issue looms. When I am going to leave the stage? Vernon Howard spoke of this all the time. It is the old “die before you die” ultimatum. I have to leave the stage. This dream is clear in telling me this.
We are all like balloons with microscopic pinholes in them. Day by day we lose a little of our mortality. One fine day we leave. In last night’s dream I was getting my child ready for bed. I ran my hands over her body, including the long scar on her leg caused by cancer surgery.
If I leave the stage, I enter divine wholeness, not such a bad trade. I will come into my true powerlessness in the world. Jesus gave up his earthly power. He let himself be crucified. But we are not strong enough to do that. Are we?
Vicki Woodyard
Thank you Vicki. It seems true that I must not be ready to totally surrender even though I think that is what I want, because suffering continues in the dream. I haven’t yet found the block, except the holding on to however small a fragment of this seeming self, that interferes with total release into our Reality (symbolic crucifixion which I see as a letting go of a self that was never real). Thank you for writing from your heart and sharing your hard won insights. For some reason they have struck a chord in me.