I woke up at 5 a.m. as I am wont to do. When the darkness rules. When anxiety pounces. I locate it in my chest, the place where heartburn happens. Where anxiety seethes.

For the fifty billionth time I surrender. I know the time is right. The time is always right.

I have not been abandoned by God. I have not gone unloved by God. I have not understood God because understanding is the booby prize.

God is stronger than the darkness within and without.

The ego is not so sure about that.

The ego claims ownership of my life. It knows how to protect me from God and His Plan.

I listen to it and withdraw back into the darkness. But wait! I can surrender as many times as I need to. So I tell the ego to shut the fuck up.

Sorry, but strong language is needed.


For a moment. And then the damned ego reasserts itself. But now I see that this is the pattern of the opposites. I must now rise above them.

The gutter no longer appeals.

I surrender.



  1. Oh, yes, yes, dear Vicki. So true!!! At 3:00 a.m. I was lying in bed arguing with my ego and telling it the same thing..”.shut the fuck up…I’m sick of hearing from you.” Then, over and over again, repeating a phrase that always relaxes me, my personal mantra. Then, the ego pops back up and says, “Wait, I’m over here, you can’t go there, we’re having too much fun.” Then, a beautiful and magical surprise. Two owls began calling to each other in the trees outside my bedroom window. Thank you, God. I can relax now. Ahhhhh. The ego finally stopped and listened too. Peace.


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