So here is where I am. I have a damned good bullshit detector and I plan to keep using it. On myself first of all. I still care what you think of me and my writing and to that I say, “Oh, grow up!” I just stole a line from the late Joan Rivers, for whom I sold oneliners for many years. She never paid me what they were worth, another case of me writing for glory instead of for myself.
As for my precious books, I now see the bullshit of trying to sell them to a public that has no interest in them. Even on Facebook, my so-called Friends pass me up in favor of the popularizers. I ain’t no popularizer. Never have been. Never will be.
This fourth book may never see the light of day. Too good to market to the multitude. Too full of hard-won truth without any buzz words or quick fixes.
I won’t be going away. How could I? That in me that was never born can never die or quit writing quite yet.
I asked a trusted friend to read the ms. and he assured me it probably won’t sell, being too full of truth. And he confirmed something I have suppressed for a long time. I need to move on, to accept the love and devotion of a son I have such great fears about losing. I act as if I have already lost him. He, who is now protective of me to an amazing degree. The tears fall in gratitude to him for putting up with me.
You see, I have a certain power I was born with and can’t get rid of. He once told me it was difficult to live within it. And I am so sorry that I have misused it, misunderstood it and given it away to people who can never love me for who I am.
This Vicki in her mid-seventies, is deserving of the whole kingdom of heaven. She, who was broken for a reason, now heals by having enough humility to cry out to God the whole day long. And feel she is being heard. No one else matters but this God within me who manages the God without me as well. And the two shall become one.
I understand I have online enemies. Hallelujah for that. Those that misunderstand are welcome to continue in that vein. I also have online supporters who feel I bring a certain energy to them that is always welcome. I think it is called honesty.
So this is where I am. Not a bad place to be. In humility and gratitude for what is real.