When I look back on how things were in the Garden of Eden, I am glad I left! First off, since I was the true First Lady, I had total power over the First Man. He wanted me so much that I was exhausted all the time. Not from letting him have me, but from running away! He was fascinated by my design and today it would bring millions at any auction. As the first edition of woman, people would pay any price. And Adam got me for free. Yes, this is Eve talking to you. Who else?
Anyhoo, I got off track. Where was I? Oh, yes, in the garden. There were roses there but also thorns. I used them for all kinds of things. To put my bank statements on, to clean the grout from the tub. As First Lady, I had to be creative.
And Adam? He invented the first calendar girl, me! He used tree bark for the pages and berry juice for ink. And then he hung it from cork board he created. And yes, he was hung himself. But this is not X-rated. Forgive me. Remember, I know nothing about sin. It hasn’t happened yet. So we were two of a kind let loose in a garden that used no herbicides.
The manager of the garden had not put in an appearance yet. We were homesteaders, you might say. Squatters in paradise. We thought only of ourselves and how we could patent the idea of people. But Adam told me he had come up with the perfect plan. He would just put his doohickey where he felt it might be compatible with mine and voila, a new kind of seed. He was a very creative gardener. He had the first farm- to- table restaurant, but we were the only customers.
There was this one big tree smack in the middle of the garden. The day the snake appeared was not a red-letter day. The damned thing offered me a bite of a thing called an apple, not to be confused with Apple. It was as irresistible to me as my body was to Adam, so I bit. Hook, line and apple seed.
I made sure Adam had some so he would be taken down with me. And then the manager showed up. That is when the ‘hood was no longer our home.
We both heard this incredible sonic boom of a voice. And it spoke and it said things that would soon get us kicked out of what we would later remember as “our starter home.” It told us we had sinned. So that was what that was!
And suddenly we knew the difference between good and evil. And this is the confusing part. Evil always feels better than good. What’s a girl to do? Adam, of course, kept his feelings to himself. He grabbed a fig leaf for each of us and the rest is history.
I don’t give a fig about what you think of me. For now the opposites have been created. And nothing has ever been the same. First you say you will. Then you say you won’t. You read your horoscope and see that you were born on a rotten day. Newspapers are invented and then technology goes so fast it makes your head swim.
I am still around inside of every woman and Adam is still around wanting to be inside of every woman, too. Yes, I can be quite funny when I am not driving you crazy.
I have to wind this little piece up and see if I can find God. That is what people online do. Search for God. I know just where to look, inside of every woman, as I just said. I suppose he is inside of men, too. But I bet he prefers women. I’m just sayin’….
Eve, the best First Lady ever made