One shows many faces to God. This morning I did a video where I asked him why he took my little girl and husband. I have no idea what people thought of it, but the “why” questions come up after any severe loss. Nothing wrong with honesty about that.

For the most part, I am at peace these days. My child would have been middle-aged but I only saw her turn seven. I watched the documentary on Gloria Vanderbilt and Anderson Cooper last night. My son and I are in the same situation. After we are gone, our lineage ends. So there is a natural tendency to be a bit serious way down deep in your soul.

The light has shown in darkness, though. It always does. It shines on the way I have improved as a parent. It shines in the way I have walked on alone. Do I miss the years of suffering? No, indeed. Twice is enough. So now my son and I are half a nuclear family. And we are enough.

I am going to keep making videos because the seed was planted when my husband was first diagnosed. One day when we were lying on the bed listening to a Carl Simonton tape for cancer patients, we were asked to visualize our ideal “spot.” Mine was a recording studio on the ocean. It had green and yellow furniture in it. Now these many years later, I realize that is my great room. Well, minus the ocean.

Ideas lay dormant until the time is right. At the time I did the visualization, I was recording on cassette tape talking about being a caregiver. Lee Glickstein, of Speaking Circles, told me that I was a natural and should be on the speaking circuit. That scared the wits out of me and I never pursued it. Now there is YouTube and Facebook and the chance to record at home alone. And the seed has broken ground and I am grateful. There is something very satisfying about recording anything I want to at any time of day. I hope you will listen to a few of them now and again.

Love,
Vicki