I am almost enlightened. I came within an inch of it and then backed off. I didn’t want to become the next Osho or Marianne Williamson or Pema Chodron. I guess I am way too introverted for the exposure of that much light shining down on me.

Instead, I wear sunscreen with a high SPF and avoid intellectual discussions and book signings. They seem to promote full-on enlightenment given to you by other people. Basking in their worship of you will make you burn and then peel. Just ask Osho.

Being almost enlightened is like being almost a virgin. No one is aspiring to the title so I can pretty much own it.

No one wants my blessing or to sit with me in satsang. I notice that enlightenment is good for business, though. Famously enlightened people appear on Oprah at some point and she sells well. Has for years. If she holds your book up on the TV, you are a guaranteed guru, a money-in-the-bank guide for sure.

I need to sign off now and go do something almost enlightened in order to insure my title sticks. I may take a walk where no one recognizes me or sit idly in my recliner giggling at nothing. If you feel the need to prostrate yourself in front of someone, don’t pick me. Prostrating yourself can lead to being prone to many other conditions, which I won’t go into here.

If you aspire to almost-enlightenment, don’t despair. You can have my chair when I get up to get a snack.