There are no lasting relationships. I have been hovering around the edges of this fact all my life. Surely, I will be allowed to have one lasting relationship, I think for the thousandth time. But that can never be, for there is only the one love. Of course, it encompasses everything, but sometimes that feels stone-cold.
I clung to my daughter. I clung to my husband. I cling to my son. And yet clinging is done by the ego. Oh, God, real prayer is to acknowledge oneness and to let go of all illusory relationships not formed in Thee.
I call myself an introvert when I am really the one. I call myself socially handicapped when I am really the one. I call myself so many things in order to defend the last shreds of the illusion.
You know how it is because you do it as well. Clinging to self-definitions, to self-comforting, to defensive descriptions of your so-called self.
Once we begin seeing that the stripping down is for our own growth, you would think it would be easier. Not necessarily. For we have been wearing fig leaves, suits of armor and veils since time immemorial. And no one said it would be easy.
I write of the journey through darkness into the light. That doesn’t mean I am home yet. For home is beyond the mind, beyond the ego, beyond the need to write. But to keep my sanity, the minimum of ego is used.
More and I more I realize how I am growing old alone, no matter how I would have it be otherwise. And one day I will die. And then there will be no more words. Even now, they are fading into the sky like clouds.
Perhaps we are ephemera in the grand scheme of things. So why not relax into the rest of our lives. Why not play more and struggle less? Why not weep when it is called for and laugh when it is called forth like ripples in the sea of grace? Why not be in relationship with God alone. Why not love as He does and live forever?