Sometimes in the early morning hours I review parts of my life in a random way. Who am I and why was I given this particular life, this life so full of suffering and isolation? More than likely because it gave me lots of hard work to do, introduced me to giant spiritual figures in the pages of books and led me to meet at least one of them. I needed the work for some mysterious reason.
I have become a writer myself, easing down the road of hard and painful truths. Pulling back the shades to let in the light and truth. I have not been easy to live with, ever. For I cling to truth when kindness would have suited me much better. And yet my teacher came to me in a dream after his death to say, “Don’t be so accommodating. Act a little tough.” And so my self-assessment of not being kind enough may be off the mark. Who knows? I do know that I have become kinder over a lifetime of inner work. The kindness begins within. When you have suppressed enough and realized it never worked.
Telling the truth is a kindness that people don’t understand if they are not ready for it. Both times, when my daughter and husband were diagnosed with cancer, I was told the truth. They were going to die within a certain period of time. No one pulled punches. So I was forced to find strength. I did this by withdrawing my vital energy from the world. I still do that. I marshal my forces unconsciously. I just do it. I just keep it simple.
My fears still run my life a good deal of the time. Understandably, I can’t take much stress. Too many years of grief will do that to anyone. I treat myself gently these days. I read about growing older and how important it is to be simple. I treat myself daily. Today it was chocolate coconut macaroons. Yum. The healthy foods are eaten, too, but treats are for the soul.
Today I just lay around until after ten. Then I went to a few stores and came home. Ate lunch and had the macaroons with coffee. Now I am back where I love to be. I am hoping the muse will woo me long enough to work on another book. I know she likes chocolate as much as I do.