Today I was at my usual Sunday haunts, T. J. Maxx and Marshall’s. I don’t go every Sunday, but I like looking for the odd treat. But today I didn’t have much luck. I watched Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday and now I’m gonna take a walk. I have fallen out of the habit lately, due to weather mostly.
Whenever anyone talks about callings I am intrigued. Today it was Barbara Brown Taylor, who used to be an Episcopal priest here in Georgia. I sat there thinking I knew as much as she did. I’ve devoted my life to inner teachings; they are inescapable to me.
This is what came up for me as I listened to their dialog. My broken life carries much power but it is of a quiet nature. Most people walk right on past it and that is how it should be. Who wants to hear the story of years of caregiving?
But while I was caregiving I had the chance to see myself as I really am. I would not want to be married to me. I don’t know how Bob stood it and continued to love me. I burn with a fierceness that most people can’t take. But without it, I would not have endured losing child and spouse.
I had to have an X-factor that helped me endure the unendurable and extract wisdom from it. If I met people who had lost half their nuclear family to cancer, it might be different. But I haven’t. Many people my age are still married with all of their children alive. Their families are growing. Mine is dying on the vine and that makes me sad.
Since seeing the shaman back in the summer, much of my grief has become more endurable. I am not interested in how he did it but THAT he did it. One accepts these gifts without question. I lay there on the massage table weeping like crazy and he let that happen and blessed it. Most people do not want me to say a word about my losses. And I don’t want to go there, either. I only do it when I write.
My calling right now is to keep writing. Those with eyes to read know who they are. They don’t care what I write about, but that I write. That is comforting and I thank you for reading. I am in no way interested in the intellectual discussion of love. Wisdom is what arises when you leave personal love behind and are forced to ask the great questions. You know, the ones with no intellectual answer.