I have wasted my life reacting to outer events. Anyone with a grain of honesty can see that is true for them as well. We are born as mechanical men and women. Some of us never become real, some try and fail and the few may succeed. “Many are called, but few are chosen,” in the words of the Christ.
What does it take to master one’s mechanical reactions? Gurdjieff wrote that the witness must be created and that is something that takes time and commitment. That thins the herd right away. Most people are not interested in what esoteric Christianity, or The Work, is all about.
After my young daughter’s death, I threw myself into awakening full-time. By destiny I was led to Vernon Howard. I had no idea that he was teaching The Work. I had dreamt of a teacher in the desert and he lived and taught in Boulder City, Nevada. There I found I could begin to work on watching myself behaving crazily.
It wasn’t much fun. In fact, it was so hard that even to bear being in his presence thinned the herd even more. People would get up and walk out on him. Of course, he created the conditions for that to happen. I was hooked.
I went through years of deep study and conscious suffering. And then Vernon died. And his secretary died. And my husband died. Cancer in each case. It had taken the life of my daughter, so there was something too eerie about this to bear. I did the best I could to remember the teachings but I failed most of the time.
The caregiving years were horrific. After Bob died, I spent years simply resting and writing. I wrote and rested. Nothing else happened. Now I have 3 books out and no one is very interested. But I do notice that what I say about Vernon leads people to read about him. I like that. He would probably say I was an awfully dense student. That I failed to see my own failure was a great success for The Work.
I am smiling.
Author of Bigger Than The Sky