I neither know who I am nor what I am up to. That describes the condition of a spiritual being having a human experience. On earth we are suspended between the opposites and in for a rocky ride. If you don’t sense this, you might as well be dead. For life is a turning wheel, sometimes lit on fire.
As you roll along caught up in it, you roll over yourself endlessly, sometimes filled with remorse, other times with dread, resentment, envy, etc. Shall I go on? The irony of this is that we think we are in charge of things while also knowing we are not.
We are under the anvil in the forge of affliction. Rolling through death and disgrace. Under the gun being shot full of holes and lying on the mat punch-drunk and down for the count.
I haven’t mentioned the good times because there simply aren’t any. Oh, there may be flashes, but heaven remains a distant concept when the wheel of fire is consuming you.
There is no time off for good behavior. The wheel turns and turns and turns. Burns and burns and burns. And then one fine day God puts in an appearance. Not for long. You feel Him by way of your tears now beginning to put out the fire.
Now the wheel has changed to a thunderstorm of tears. The lightning of awakening is sizzling you and your sorrow is flowing like a river. His Mercy is melting you down.
I will stop here so you can get a feel for where you are in this process. Words won’t do it justice. It is a combo platter of pain and relief. No end in sight yet but now the fire may be dying a bit.
All I can say is that in your darkest hour or in your dampest despair, God is there. Now the wheel begins to resemble a mirror and you see yourself going along the road to hell. With good intentions. That is the surprising part. Your heart means well. It has always meant well.
This witness rolls along with you, carrying you through. Angels are rolling with you now. And perhaps something good can now happen as you roll along your way. You are almost afraid to hope, but you do in spite of yourself.
You watch yourself in the mirror of the Self and one day you realize you are just passing through. You look around you. You see other wheels. You look up and see the sky. You feel somehow that things will be all right.
This is the journey of illusion. The witness is the reality. Oh, you still have some miles to travel yet, but now they are inner ones. AAA never shows you this route. You must now trust your intuition expressing itself as grace. And then one fine day it happens. You know who you are and what you are up to. And you know that only God’s mercy can suffice. The Jesus prayer is a good one and as you roll along, you chant gently, “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy.” He is on the wheel with you as you.
This is the story of humanity caught up in the illusion that the world can be used for anything but a place in which to awaken. We are the story we tell ourselves over and over and over. We are an endless loop of grace. A shining light, a benediction and a warning. All we can do is be a witness for those who are caught up in the wheel.
Escape from the wheel and become the axis.