July 12, 2014
I was looking back over my journal from 2012. Come to find out that nothing I wanted to materialize did, except for one or two small things. Obviously, positive thinking is weaker than the omniwill. The omniwill is what Ramesh Balsekar referred to when he said that everything is destined, but there is no individual for which it “happens.”
That should take a load off the old fanny, but guess what? The mind does not have ears to hear. Something on a different level altogether is needed. That would be essence. We are here to develop our essence, not to have things go our way. And yet, ego is deaf to the words I just wrote. And don’t tell me you are any different than I am. We are ego down to the last drop! That is why we are all in this together. When one person wakes up, it helps every other person. Unfortunately, waking up equals death of the ego, so no one lives to tell, so to speak.
I am a fairly smart person, although the older I get, the slower the brain cells work. My aha moments now arrive five minutes later than I need them to. I smack myself on the side of the head, saying “Of course, her name is Jane!” And I am briefly relieved that I can still remember anything at all. That is the nature of aging. And ageism is the last frontier we are not willing to explore.
My little girl died too soon. That loss is imbedded so deeply within my essence that everywhere she touched my heart, a diamond mine arose. These writings come from sorrow and that’s the truth. Sorrow is the inevitable outcome of losing a child. If I felt none, I would be a sociopath or something. But I am like anyone else. My losses carve out a certain tributary in my soul. The river flows along a certain route. And when I finally arrive, I will be met again and again and again.
So what if nothing I want materializes. Once I see that, I can toss out the manuals and rulebooks. I can chuck the chains, forget and forgive and leap fully into the present moment. I will be met again and again and again. Some things are so true we can’t see them in our mind’s eye. God has put them up higher than that. And so it goes….not my way but His Way.