The Anguish of Awareness

Some people peddle joy nonstop. For me continuous joy is as unlikely as having big breasts and blonde hair. Ain’t gonna happen. And yet the bliss bunnies sell books. That is because we all want what we can’t have.

Sensitive people, and I am in that category, recognize that peace is a good thing to possess and even that fades at times. Recently I fell into the dark night of the mind. You know how it is. Suddenly you find yourself depressed, anxious or crying out to God. You thought things were okay but then wham! Back in the jail cell you went. Joyless and restless.

Awareness is not all beer and skittles. Sometimes there is an anguish to the quality of awareness. Let’s be mature about this. Those selling river water down by the river are not concerned with anything but sales. Desperate people will buy anything, especially hope.

Back when I was in the throes of grief, before my husband died, I would hurl notes onto my website that were filled with grief. And yet this was very helpful to people. I was not into false security or claims of enlightenment. The path had taken a serious sharp turn and I was holding on for dear life. I needed relief.

Creativity flourishes when things are at their worst. We put down on paper or the screen how we are experiencing life. For me, it was a whirlwind of medical misery for my husband that I experienced as grief.

So when he died, joy looked like the end of his suffering. In other words, not full-out joy, just an ending to my old life with a sick husband. Early this month, suddenly I was awash in grief for him. I do not apologize for this. I do not look for easy answers or bliss given to me by so-called awakened teachers. I am as awake as the next guy.

I had to cry a certain amount of tears before it gradually eased up. Today I am feeling markedly better. I found a wonderful new pair of shoes and now I can get back to walking more. Sometimes the smallest things can bring satisfaction.

I still love to write. And I never tire of saying that enlightenment is a bunch of hooey as proclaimed by most online gurus. Look within. See how things really are. Pat yourself on the back for staying the course most of the time. I believe an angel put that pair of shoes there just so I could at least walk a mile in my own shoes.



  1. Vicky you are amazing! You’re so real and honest, juicy and deep. I bless the day you showed up on my facebook page. 🙂
    I can relate to the sudden whamm!! I walk happily down the street, taking in all the sensations a walk in town can give me, and then there is an uncovered man hole and I fall in and disappear even to myself!!
    Much love,


  2. I find the capacity for joy is related to one’s capacity for anguish and the reality of one does not necessarily negate the other. And also that some drugs can increase serontin deficiencies but won’t touch a dark night of the soul. I often see a spiritual dark night experience accompanied by depression. In that case drugs help the person work on the spiritual issues to be addressed. Yes there are false prophets, snake oil salesmen, and “prosperity” preachers. Some souls who have dwelt in darkness are among our most creative and often, feel terribly alone. Interesting article in Atlantic on relation between mental illness and creativity. Keep telling your truth!


    1. In general, there is way too much emphasis on enlightenment equaling permanent bliss. Thank you for your input. I’ll read the article.


  3. “…so I could at leasat walk a mile in my own shoes…” You make me smile, Vicki, just as I have shared tears at times. <3


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