Things cycle. I have moved downward into the spiral of grief again.When I have finished this round, I will be able to go up a bit higher, hopefully. Right now I am emotionally fragile, weeping about lost love. Maybe the tears are irrigating emotional ground I left high and dry.
What can you say to someone who is grieving? I can tell you what you don’t say. We all know what feels good to hear and what doesn’t. There is something about summer that is sorrowful for me, just as winter. My daughter died in mid-summer and my husband around Christmas. So I would say I have two high and low points during the year.
This time around it feels like Bob just died. I know; it’s hard to believe that grief doesn’t go away. I would suppress the tears but somehow I can’t. They are softening me around the edges. Today the plumber came to repair the sink in my bathroom. The crows are cawing loudly in the backyard and the young hawks are screaming. Inwardly, I am listening to my heart opening to sorrow like a rusty gate.
I bought an expensive pair of running shoes after visiting the doctor about a bone spur. I put these clunky dollar bill signs on my feet (the shoes) and tool tentatively around the block in them. All my other shoes apparently are a no-no, at least for a while.
And I sit inside where it is air-conditioned and I feel sad. And I sit on the deck and look up at the trees and feel sad. The positive emotions are nowhere in sight. I am an expert on grief, so I know better than to suppress it or try and talk myself out of it. I must invite it in for tea.
I want my life to be other than what it is. Before you call in Dr. Phil, I will warn you that I might go ballistic if you do that. You see, the pop psychologists and the nondualists are often wrong about lots of stuff. Part of my stuff is worth grieving over the rest of my life. And I tell you what, this sorrow has turned me into a healer.
Silence has had its way with me and I never, ever give up. Grief doesn’t mean you are a quitter. It means your heart is expanding ever larger. It means you love and were loved deeply. And it means that you have a special place on God’s lap when you need it. I am gonna wind this up with a giant hug just for me. You can get yours from your own two arms. We just forget that we are the ones we are waiting for. That’s all. I can smile through my tears, can’t you?