I am waiting to rise from my January rut. Currently I am experiencing low energy and the blahs. I took a long walk, but found myself eating way too much chocolate all during the day. Last night I had a typical “lost in life” dream. I am sure you have them as well; you find yourself trying to get back home and running into obstacle after obstacle. In other words, the story of awakening to one’s true nature.

I have spent much of my life healing from grief; I know the terrain. Can trace it in my sleep and sometimes do. There is the crucifixion road, Calvary and the stone in front of the tomb. As Maya Angelou says, “And still I rise.” That’s me. Up each morning in spite of it all. Knowing without a shadow of a doubt that nothing changes until consciousness changes. Knowing that Rome was not built in a day and I prefer it to be.

I think my sense of hurry arises because of a father with an explosive temper. I failed to work a combination lock and he unleashed a torrent of words on me. I forgot to bring the milk in (in those days milk was delivered.) I had minor surgery and forgot to tell him I had prescriptions to pick up before he drove me home. He blew up in my pale and shaking face. All my life I have done things rapidly. Inwardly there is freedom, just out of reach of him. I have forgiven him. I also stand in need of forgiveness as a parent. We are all flawed. As someone said as she was folding pants at a New Life yard sale, “We are the fallen people.” If we do not know that, we will never come to self-forgiveness.

As I work my way through my life lessons, if I am lucky I stop and remember myself. For this I owe Mr. Gurdjieff a debt of gratitude. “Remember yourself always and everywhere.” I owe a bigger one to Vernon Howard, who came to me in dreams, as he did to his other students. He said to me in one, “Don’t be so accommodating. Act a little tough.” That is a puzzlement and a life plan. Why? Because it brings a good deal of guilt with it. And as he said, “Guilt is a useless emotion.” So I continue to work on myself. Watching my fall into the rut, my attempts to climb out, my failure to remember myself and the accompanying guilt. We are all in the same boat. We might as paddle in the same direction. The Jesus prayer: “Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me, a sinner.” We owe those who have gone before us. We stand on the shoulders of other people. That is how it works.