Yes, today I have decided to have it all. To do this, I have to enter the willing suspension of disbelief. So I washed my hair and had a cup of coffee and a Pepperidge Farm Sugar Cookie. I sat in the great room and pretended that Bob had come back just for today. I spoke to him inwardly, asking if he liked the new decor. I told him we would have wild tantric sex. I smiled. We never had wild tantric sex when he was alive, but who knows what can happen on a day when you decide to have it all?

Today I am a best-selling author who, unbelievably, never has to appear in public. I just sit home and receive royalty checks and have great tantric sex.

Today I will not gain a pound, in spite of eating that P. Farm cookie and going to a party called Chocolate and the Arts. This evening I will look as good as I have ever looked in my life, in spite of being a mature woman. I will glow. I will find something so aesthetically pleasing that I will buy it, even if it is just a bar of scented soap. I will wash my hands in deep gratitude for being alive.

I will also wash my hands of regret, guilt, suspicion, comparison and self-denial. I will do the hoochy coochy. Are you guys laughing yet? For today I have decided to be shocking and funny despite my age. Bob, that wild spirit, is really getting off on the new me. Suddenly I begin to cry, to sob, to tear my hair, knowing that he will be leaving at the end of this magical day.

To have it all, apparently I must also give it all back. To the earth, to the sky, to whatever brought me here. Rumi I ain’t but darned if he hasn’t been with me on this most magical of days. Shams, Shams, can we ever have it all or should we remain in a state of longing? A bird is systematically drilling holes into my cedar siding as I type these words. Being in a state of love is like being in a state of disrepair. Helpless and hopeless I am beautiful. I am free.