Today I Have Decided To Have It All

Yes, today I have decided to have it all. To do this, I have to enter the willing suspension of disbelief. So I washed my hair and had a cup of coffee and a Pepperidge Farm Sugar Cookie. I sat in the great room and pretended that Bob had come back just for today. I spoke to him inwardly, asking if he liked the new decor. I told him we would have wild tantric sex. I smiled. We never had wild tantric sex when he was alive, but who knows what can happen on a day when you decide to have it all?

Today I am a best-selling author who, unbelievably, never has to appear in public. I just sit home and receive royalty checks and have great tantric sex.

Today I will not gain a pound, in spite of eating that P. Farm cookie and going to a party called Chocolate and the Arts. This evening I will look as good as I have ever looked in my life, in spite of being a mature woman. I will glow. I will find something so aesthetically pleasing that I will buy it, even if it is just a bar of scented soap. I will wash my hands in deep gratitude for being alive.

I will also wash my hands of regret, guilt, suspicion, comparison and self-denial. I will do the hoochy coochy. Are you guys laughing yet? For today I have decided to be shocking and funny despite my age. Bob, that wild spirit, is really getting off on the new me. Suddenly I begin to cry, to sob, to tear my hair, knowing that he will be leaving at the end of this magical day.

To have it all, apparently I must also give it all back. To the earth, to the sky, to whatever brought me here. Rumi I ain’t but darned if he hasn’t been with me on this most magical of days. Shams, Shams, can we ever have it all or should we remain in a state of longing? A bird is systematically drilling holes into my cedar siding as I type these words. Being in a state of love is like being in a state of disrepair. Helpless and hopeless I am beautiful. I am free.

One Comment

  1. Yes, this weekend I am going to Charlotte to be alone and lonely, suspend disbelief, joke, laugh, and long for the sensual good old days. Why is it as we get older the old stuff still haunts, never seems to go away? Can the hounds ever be released again? Probably just echoes in the canyon or a stress dream. Like the guy who wrote Revelations in a Roman prison while being tortured. No significance whatsover.


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