Six years ago today I was sitting beside Bob’s bed in hospice. I was well aware that he was dying and that I was already in shock and he was halfway on the other side. But you keep going for the sake of the whole. You simply do not go to pieces when someone is dying, it’s Christmas and you know you will have to travel to a funeral and come back without your mate.
You hang on tight to the rope that you don’t know exists. You don’t hang on with your mind but your nerve, your guts, your psyche running in overdrive. You have already turned yourself inside out with complications arising from what happens when someone is leaving their body. You have pulled the plug on your ordinary life and walked away from it. You don’t know what else you can do.
I am not the only one who has experienced severe losses nor will I be the last. I just happen to be someone who has a website and trusts the intuition of spirit to guide her. I am feeling pretty rotten right now. It feels as if others are completing shopping, sitting by cozy fires, etc., while I sit here and make letters fall into place on a white screen.
I wonder if you relate to me or if you think I am being maudlin. I will cry but it will not destroy me. I will go on and it will not be the first time I have. I will get past the holidays and live to enter the new year, pay my taxes and continue to write. But it isn’t always easy.
I have a small favor to ask you. If this site matters to you, leave a comment. Let me know what I am doing is meaningful to you. That would be far better than a Christmas card for me. I know Bob would be happy that I am connecting with readers who vibrate on the same level that I do. He worried about leaving me down here without him. The strange thing is that I am quite capable of going on. But it isn’t always a piece of cake.
The site is called nondualitynow.com because I write from a place of wholeness about being broken. Paradox is a happening place. Nothing else describes my life as well. I believe in the paradox of enlightenment while being destroyed, being healed while being pulled apart and coming to terms with what is beyond anyone’s ability to handle. We are all in the same boat on a boundless ocean. Should it sink for anyone of us tonight, it sinks for us all. The mercy of heaven is happening all around us, but sometimes it feels like morning won’t come. That is when miracles happen. I have witnessed that. I have sat at a Christmas Eve table the night after Bob was buried and felt connected to the greater whole. I have wept at the grave and felt the resurrection after years of suffering. Life is good but not always bearable. The ark we sail in is the body, as The Book of Mirdad says. “God is your captain, sail, my Ark!” Mikhail Naimy
Order LIFE WITH A HOLE IN IT by clicking on the link to the right. You won’t be sorry you did!