This is about being outsourced. Yesterday I had to deal with Earthblink Customer Service. As usual, I spoke with someone in let us say, a faraway place that begins with the letter “I.”
Whoever invented the expression “It’s all fun and games” should be shot with a gun that says ‘Bang’. Shakespeare kneweth of what he writeth when he spoke of strutting and fretting our lives upon the stage. Mostly, I fret. The strutting part is difficult to pull off when you are on hold with customer service for most of your life. And the questions these people ask! You have to say everything like this. “Yes, my name is V as in victory, i as in idiotic, c as in cantankerous, k as in kill you, i as in innocent.” And “Keith” (read Kumar) doesn’t get the joke. And you don’t get to hang up until you succeed in pulling the answer from him as if you were performing oral surgery.
You see, I wanted to transfer my domain name to another server. To Earthblink, I was going on the map as Benedict Arnold to even think of switching service providers. So I took another Stupid Pill and propped a pillow behind my aching head to listen to “Keith” walk me through the gates of hell and back. At the end of an hour, I hung up on him. I doubt he noticed. He probably still has me on the phone in an alternate reality asking me if I would stay with Earthlink if they promised to cut the bill and give me things that are clearly illegal in certain states.
I am writing this with my tongue not only in cheek but wrapped in an ace bandage. It got that sore from speaking with Keith (not his real name). I have had it with outsourcing. Actually, I didn’t write this diatribe. Keith did. That is his way of getting back with me. He is roaring with laughter right now and starring in the Bollywood version of Outsourcing the Universe.
*No Indians were actually harmed in the writing of this piece. I have many good friends there and they know who they are. Molly, Amanda, Herbert, Oswald, Lennie…the whole gang. They just don’t dare ask me to spell my name!